A Modest Proposal

I notice that the Fabian Society ( the beating heart of the Labour Party) has suggested that pensioners should be taxed more stringently, and extras- like the winter fuel payment, free bus pass and free tv licence should be ended in order to save money.
Older pensioners “ should share the pain of deficit reduction” says the report, “In financial terms, older people are no longer special.”

I am a pensioner and I agree.
Except that they have not gone far enough.

I think I am typical of my generation. We are wastrels and spendthrifts, the lot of us. I have led a life of disgraceful probity. I have been disgustingly faithful to my wife, obscenely careful to avoid debt, and shockingly devoted to bringing up my two children.

As I teacher I squandered thirty years of my life helping young people to grow up. I attended endless parents’ evenings (unpaid), and produced 27 school plays (also unpaid.)

I am a jackanapes and a vagabond and deserve to be taxed to within an inch of my life. By all means get rid of bus passes ( let them hobble), cut the winter fuel payment ( do they not have knitted shawls ?) and remove the free tv ( they probably can’t see it anyway.)

In fact, I would go further and say that drastic measures should be implemented.

I am talking about a cull.

I know it sounds unpleasant, but it need not be so. Everyone knows that pensioners sit around, watching daytime tv all day, and hatching horrible diseases. It would be a kindness to them. The government could recruit a new service- a corps of ladies with rosy cheeks and comforting bosoms. Each one would wear a plastic badge saying “ End of Life Facilitator” and carry a hypo of byebye juice in her gladstone bag. Think of the money the NHS would save.

I’m sure we would all be prepared to give up a few years of misery so that the important people- the footballers who bite each other, the newsreaders, the economists, the bankers could continue to live in the style to which they are accustomed.


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